i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
