God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
time to smoke my breakfast
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
