i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
