i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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