Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
