Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
