i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
