She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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