I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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