Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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