Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ok first of all what the fuck
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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