don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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