so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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