Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
