I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
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