You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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