I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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