I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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