Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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