Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
