Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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