i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
PANTIES FOUND
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
