textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
