have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
