Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
