I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
