I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
