sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
