I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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