i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
