How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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