so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
