yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale