I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b