Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
