I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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