Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
