so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
