My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
