I could make wine with my vomit
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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