I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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