the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
