On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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