I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
