totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
