This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
