omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
