I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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