I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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