I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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