Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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