So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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