and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
