This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
