we have pet lesbian snakes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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