we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
