I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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