There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize